Going to make a long story short, but I am a 29 year old attractive male who has the “Player” stigma from the people that surround me due to my old days. I have fallen in love with a friend who shows me all the signs that she likes me as well, but WILL NOT DATE ME. She never gives me a straight forward answer on why. I think of her night and day for the last 7-8 months, although it does not hinder my day to day life, it still makes me sad.I am not one to use the word love loosely, matter of fact this is the first person I have ever used it towards, my friends will tell me it is because I cant have her, I PROMISE that is not the case. What do I do?
1. Question
2. Response
I don’t think you’re going to enjoy my response, but I promise to end with real strategic advice. First, I find it fascinating that you say your being branded as a player is the fault of your old friends hanging around and blowing up your spot. Instead of, you know, actually having a history of being a player. I am encouraged that you consider it a stigma, now that you are interested in a committed relationship. There’s a valuable lesson here for the wannabe poon slayers out there. However, I urge you to take responsibility for your own history – this woman is not rejecting you because of your friends. You clearly suspect she is rejecting you because she found out factual information about your past and does not think you are a good bet.
3. Are you a good bet?
Everything we know about promiscuity would suggest otherwise: 1. Men with a high number of sexual partners (6+) experience a sharp decrease in attraction for a woman as soon as sex is over. This happens to facilitate the dump after the pump, so that men wired for short-term mating are free to move on to the next conquest. Evolutionary psychologist Martie Haselton: “For men who pursue a short-term mating strategy, first-time sex signals both that a goal has been achieved and that there is a possibility of becoming entangled in an unwanted long-term relationship.” 2. One study showed that marital sexual satisfaction declines more than 5% for every partner a man has been with other than his spouse. By implication, all men with 20 previous partners will feel moderately sexually satisfied in marriage at best. 3. People with a demonstrated history of casual sex are more likely to cheat on a partner. 63% of men in the top quintile of sociosexuality have cheated! Due to their proclivity for extramarital affairs they also have a very high divorce rate, naturally. 4. Having impersonal sex, which is characterized by engaging in sexual relationships that lack emotional closeness, is correlated with sexual aggression.
4. Many women will not date a player.
Assuming that your friend does not share a history of casual sex, it is not surprising that she would perceive you as lacking relationship fitness: “Women with an unrestricted orientation to sex (i.e., those who have more positive attitudes toward casual, uncommitted sexual activity) gave higher desirability ratings to moderate or considerable sexual experience in a partner than did women with a restricted sociosexual orientation. Conversely, the restricted women rated chastity in a partner as more desirable than did unrestricted women. Women with extensive sexual experience should be more willing to consider a sexually experienced person as a partner. More specifically, they: • Would be unlikely to have negative impressions of a sexually active (similar) other. • Would assume that they (and others like them) are “uniquely invulnerable” to sexually transmitted diseases (Brehm, 1992). • May be guided by a specific, adaptive mating strategy.
5. Are your feelings really love?
Or is she the ultimate conquest? Those who know you well think it’s the latter. You say they are wrong, but you say you’ve never loved anyone before. At 29 you have still not had a loving relationship. You don’t say why you love her, or what you love about her, just that you PROMISE you do.
6. She is not interested.
You perceive terrific chemistry and ongoing flirtation, but she has categorically rejected you as a romantic partner. If she harbored a serious attraction to you, she’d feel torn and tempted, and you’d know it. Instead, she is focusing her attention on someone else without even glancing back in your direction. So why is she friendly and flirty? Because you are an attractive guy whose ongoing attention is flattering, especially since you’re willing to “go straight” for her. No doubt she enjoys knowing that she holds all the power and the player learns a hard lesson.
7. Bottom line
The wages of manwhoring is rejection! At least by a woman who does not share your short-term mating orientation. I promised strategic advice, so here it is. First, a window into female psychology and attraction. No doubt you’re aware that women favor preselected men. If a ton of other chicks think you’re a catch, we can save a lot of time by jumping into the competition without doing independent due diligence. But this preselection benefit is not unconditional and unlimited. Relationship-oriented women love it when a man has options, but they respect a man who is very selective. If you’ve had sex with a lot of women, by definition you have not been selective. How do we know this? Because men compromise on looks to get casual sex, and the best looking women generally won’t play. So you’re asking a woman who is herself quite a catch to get with a man who sets the bar low. Quality women don’t want to be part of that herd. If you truly believe you are in love with her, and want to change your lifestyle, your mission is to convince her of the sincerity of your affection and your desire to become “a new man.” This will take time and patience. • You should lay it on the line and tell her how you feel about her. • Your behavior should be loving without expectations of getting anything in return. • You should settle in for a long-term project. Winter is coming. • You should stop flirting like a player and start acting like a man who wants the real deal with her and only her. • No impersonal sex with others. Most former players couldn’t and wouldn’t do this. You certainly are not obligated to follow this strategy – you could let this one go. There is no guarantee she would ever return your feelings or be able to trust you in a long-term relationship in any case. If you decide to move on (which is what I would recommend), then you will need to either go back to pursuing women who share your short-term mating orientation, or seriously get your friends to keep your manwhoring days a secret.